Div 8 Match report by Justan Kitchener

Burwood, ranked 8th in the comp (and with players who had a combined age that was still less than Mike's) were always going to be outside contenders against Balmain. After Allan had persuaded a random bystander to ref our game, we started. Balmain immediately stamped their authority on the game dominating possession and territory and running circles around the bum-fluff, acne-ridden Burwood defence. It was only a few minutes until Balmain scored - a clean strike by Antoon following some penetrating right-wing runs by Dave. It was only a few more minutes until the second goal, unfortunately this one by Burwood - a reasonable strike (after a previous great save by Amir) rebounding off the cross-bar into the goal. A second goal by Antoon took Balmain to a 2-1 lead.

After the half-time break Burwood were reinvigorated with their performance-enhancing half-time warm milk and cocoa, but any pressure they applied was cleanly thwarted by solid Balmain defence. It wasn't long before an infamous 'Paddy throw' found the back of Akin's head and to the surprise of the Burwood goalkeeper (and Akin) found the back of the net, 3-1. The fourth Balmain goal came from a blinding run by Paul, first carving up Burwood's midfield and then their defence, drilling the ball to score a cracking goal, 4-1. By now Burwood were crying for their mummies.

But just when both sides thought that the scoreline was decided, the pitch went quiet. The birds stopped tweeting and silence descended (admittedly this was partly because Dean wasn't playing). All eyes turned to Dan ... (read the following while humming 'Eye of the Tiger') ... As if in slow motion, Dan brought the ball neatly under control. Dan then proceeded to slice through the Burwood defence. Ripping off his 80's head-band and discarding it to cheering fans, Dan proceeded to put on a demonstration of his silky skills - neatly chipping the ball over the keeper's head, glancing the cross bar and, according to eye witnesses (well, Dan), crossing the line. Unfortunately, a Burwood player cleared the ball and no witnesses would come forward to support Dan's claims, resulting in the score remaining at 4-1 and the final whistle blowing. All in all a great game by Balmain, with especially good defence by the back line.

Later that evening, while Burwood were all tucked-up in bed, Balmain hit the pub to celebrate the approaching end to the season. During the evening a heinous crime was committed - some crutches were stolen from the Exchange Hotel. The crutches are light brown in colour and are suited to people of lesser stature. Witnesses are asked to come forward. 4-1.

Goals: Antoon Visser (2), Akin Karaca, Paul Wright
Pele Points: 2 - Gavin Carey, Paul Wright, 1 - Allan Frydman, Akin Karaca